Shitty 90's Music

I’ve been meaning to do this for a while, and tonight’s a good night for it. I’m listening to my 90′s Pop station on Pandora and I’m going to blog about the next 10 songs that come on. Because you care.

I am pretty sure this is the exact model stereo I had.

Oh my god. Forever Your Girl. Paula Abdul. First thing I think of is baby Elijah Wood, because he was totally in that video. Then I think of eighth grade. And then? Then, I drink.

See?

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Well, this is eighties, but I still like it. I did not “get” Cyndi Lauper as a kid. You’d think somebody like me would have, but no. I have never, ever, even as a small child, liked heavy makeup. My mother tells a story of me being about four and dressing as a witch for Halloween – she did my makeup and I washed it off and did it myself, making it far more subtle. So I decided I didn’t like her music. Except I totally did. I eventually forgave her the makeup and hair because she sang Goonies r Good Enough. And now? Now I love her look and wish I was young enough to pull it off.

At least she's not trying to pull it off anymore either.

OH MY GOD. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, Good Vibrations. Yes. Yes I will. I keep adding lines about how he would have stopped 9/11.

Imma get mine so get yours/gonna see terrorists flying out the doors/On a vigilante trip is how I’m swingin this/strictly in my head, boy I ain’t bringin it/tweeted by the entire nation/black, white, red, brown/hear my exaggeration

Also, I saw him in traffic once when I was about…well, the song came out in 1991, so I would have been fourteen. It was the weekend the Funky Bunch was in Portland. My BFF 4EVR OMG (who I haven’t talked to in the better part of a decade) and I were walking down a side street. We heard someone honking and there he was. Well, we were pretty sure it was. After a second of going OH MY GOD we ran down the street after the truck – which was long gone.

Oh yeah. You're badass. Marky Mark.

Thriller. Man, I was in high school before I managed to watch that video – and now it’s one of my all-time favorites. Dancing. Zombies. With Zombied Michael Jackson! Duh! Winning! It kind of makes me sad to hear his early stuff though, given how fucked up and tragic his life turned out. So instead I’m picturing Booger rocking out.

Admittedly, he kind of looks terrifying in this shot.

Step By Step. Oh, yeah, I was DY-ING for New Kids on the Block back in the day. I actually remember standing in Fred Meyer with the cassingle of this song in my hand, trying to keep cool until I could listen to it. And you know what? I still fucking love it. I am able to see now how shamelessly marketed they were, how cold and formulaic. And how shitty their music is. But love it I do.

Worst part? Every time my boy-band station plays something so shitty I go to hit dislike...It's from their new album. EVERY. TIME.

Lost in Emotion? Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam? Wow. Damn. Well that’s ’87, so Pandora gets an F for decade. This one reminds me of roller skating rinks with a lot of neon. And reading The Babysitter’s Club. And sighing melodramatically.

Say hello to your friends!

Rock Your Body by Justin Timberlake. Actually, I’m not sure I’ve actually heard this song before. Is that possible? Because I love me some Justin. At least, his solo stuff. Like Sexyback, which was my ringtone on my last phone.

Also, this.

Motownphilly by Boyz II Men? Oh wow, suddenly I’m fourteen years old, hanging out in the community center at Saturdays, the thirteen-and-up “social” in town. Hopelessly geeky, going to private school so I didn’t know anyone, and, unfortunately not well versed in “laughing with” vs. “laughing at.” And those girls that cheered me on when I danced are bitches. And apparently, I am still bitter. Twenty-one years later. But mostly it just makes me laugh, because Saturdays was sponsored by some kind of anti-drug league. To my knowledge only the really square kids went – and I was the squarest of them. Quite an accomplishment, that!

Then again, maybe it wasn't.

Time warp to the year after college! Backstreet Boys, I Want It That Way, and my BFF. We used to spend whole evenings at Borders together, drinking chai and reading wedding books. We’d been buddies since my junior year, hung out all through college and then got married two weeks apart and were bridesmaids in each others weddings. I had a wedding website – which was extremely cool and new – and I’m pretty sure it was on Angelfire because I’m that old. It had cute little .midi songs for the wedding party, and this one was for her. I stayed close to her right up until I moved to Los Angeles, even telling her everything that was going, elves and all. Haven’t heard from her since, but apparently she’s afraid of me now. So, yeah. I don’t know. The nostalgia is definitely bittersweet there. Think I’ll have another drink.

They were a shameless ripoff of New Kids On The Block, outpaced them, and are now touring with them. Is that sad?

Oh dear. Yes, this is a better note to end on. Lost in Your Eyes. Debbie Gibson. She really was pretty good, and I reeked of her perfume as a tween. And this song. Oh damn. His name was Aaron, it was sixth grade, and we were on the bus to Outdoor School. I still have the wooden nametag somewhere. He was smart and funny and nice. He was also one of the nerdiest kids I think I’ve ever seen. Thick glasses, bowl-cut hair, knobby knees…honestly, he looked a lot like Wormser from Revenge of the Nerds. In retrospect, I think he hadn’t noticed girls yet. I remember when I got to hold his hands in gym class (hooray for square dancing!), and passing notes. I probably made quite a spectacle. I was far less subtle as a child. I looooved him all through sixth grade. And now it is time to stop, before I wander off to Google-stalk to see if he still looks like this.

The man of my eleven-year-old dreams.

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