I’m still working on Why I Don’t Believe In God, Part Four, but it’s definitely going to be a few days. There’s so much information to condense. It’s like pruning down to a Bonsai; this tree has so many branches that it takes a while to trim it down to a potted plant.
And while I’m focused on distilling the epic mash of insanity into a delicious moonshine of lunacy, I can’t think of much else to blog about. You’d think, what with the ADHD and all that I could multitask like a mutha, but no. This falls under the “hyperfocus” side. So, here I am, without a “topic.”
But maybe that’s okay. This is, in fact, a personal blog. Right? So. I’m feeling less like a Crap!Mom today. I hit a nice moderate tone; we read a couple of books but also watched TV. I compromised with Sesame Street by watching it with him and participating. Singing songs, dancing about vegetables, stuff like that. It didn’t require any thought, which was most important. And the upside is he’s starting to dance too. As soon as he hears music he starts bopping, unless he sees the camera. I’m going to have to preemptively hide it if I’m going to get any footage.
We’ve started weaning. This was a tremendously emotional decision, which made it nearly impossible to just be rational about it. But I got there eventually. We’re doing it pretty casually; I’m just starting to give him bottles when he would normally just nurse. When he complains, he gets the boob. He’s taking to it pretty well. I am hoping to be done by his first birthday. But that decision has taken almost two weeks, and has also taken up a lot of emotional real estate. Which sucks, I can’t spare much space in my head.
I’m learning more about football again. For the second year in a row, I’m excited about college football. That’s high on my list of Shit I Never Expected Would Happen (also on that list: cutting up fruits and veggies into little chunks as soon as I get them home from the store and looking forward to power-washing the driveway). The thing I never got about sports is the community aspect; no one I was close to liked them either, so they were utterly pointless. In this town, goddamn near everyone roots for the Ducks. We can hear the cheering from Autzen Stadium whenever there’s a home game. Once I was surrounded by Duck fans, it sort of became a new fandom for me.
I’m probably going to be focusing more about living with ADHD after I finish off my little Godless series. I’ve only had a diagnosis for a few months, but absolutely nobody is surprised. Most people assumed I’d been diagnosed years ago. I wish I had been, but the shrink says that it’s over-diagnosed in children and under-diagnosed in adults. Just learning more about the disorder helps a lot. Some things that I have always thought of as character flaws are turning out to be parts of ADHD. Like, the way I get bored and quit things instead of sticking to them (I have thousands of truncated hobbies). Or the horrible way my mind will wander off while I’m actively trying to pay attention. I’ve struggled to hide that for years, and it turns out I’m not just a selfish person who can’t focus on anything but myself. And, once I’m not nursing anymore, I can start some medications.
I am trying to imagine a world where, when asked for an example, my thoughts won’t scatter like startled deer, making me look unprepared and naive. Where I can listen to a song all the way through without either hitting “next” or daydreaming. Where I can retain a number or a word for longer than a few seconds (like, between tabs in a browser), or read without having to reread half of it because I wasn’t paying attention to what I was reading. Or for that matter, if half of what I wrote didn’t sound like that last sentence; I edit my work to keep from using the same word over and over. Life without all that sounds so much simpler. Feels like I’d have so much spare time if I wasn’t chasing after my train of thought all the time.