Okay, so I have said before that I love Hoarders. It’s addictive as hell. In part it’s because I have some hoarding tendencies myself. I love to “upcycle” and “repurpose” things (and I love that doing that has a name now!), so it can be very difficult to throw things out. Further, lets just say I’m not a natural housekeeper. The place gets trashed pretty easily. And of course ADHD plays a role; when things get too messy or chaotic, it’s very difficult for me to find a “point of entry” to getting the house back in order. And when I start feeling like that, it’s time to put on Hoarders and chuck some stuff.

Hoarders

This show makes me very glad you can't smell through TV.

It’s funny, I actually learned to love getting rid of stuff when I got divorced from M. We had a three-bedroom house full of stuff. I reduced that enough to fit in the back of a Ford Aerostar with the seats taken out. Later, in Hollywood, we’d regularly prune our stuff down. Instead of having a garage sale or going to Goodwill, we’d just take a carload of stuff to Hollywood Boulevard, right there in front of the Kodak Theater, where the red carpet for the Oscars goes. Dump it on the sidewalk with a big sign saying “FREE! GRATIS!” and then sit back and watch people swarm over it.

Freebies

I didn't even have Tupperware. It was all in milk crates.

Nothing motivates me to get my house back in order like Hoarders. Not only do I feel better about how bad it hasn’t gotten yet, but I get a fire lit under me to get cleaning. Plus, when I’m taking a break, there’s always plenty of entertaining drama. I have a drinking game in my head, despite the fact that I only watch Hoarders when it’s totally inappropriate to drink (like, at ten-thirty in the morning while the boy naps). So here it is, a drinking game suitable for Samuel Jackson Ale.

I love Dave Chappelle.

It'll GET ya DRUNK!

SIP:

Every time a counselor or organizer says “Wow” and draws it way out. “Woooooowwwwww.”

Every time someone says “poop” or “feces”

If someone falls or trips in the hoard.

I totally know what episode this is from

Take a sip if people are walking at counter level.

Every time they zoom in on insects, insect eggs or cobwebs.

Every time somebody cries and the camera zooms in on their face.

One for every family member with a health condition actively exacerbated by the hoard.

That was Steven's apartment. He seemed really nice.

Sip if the crew wears masks.

Every time somebody cries.

One for every functional kitchen appliance.

Take an extra drink if it makes you gag.

One sip for every refrigerator full of rotted food. Two sips if they want to keep the rotten food.

DRINK:

One for every adult child living at home.

Those poor kids. Seriously, it's a total buzzkill.

Take one solid drink for every kid that doesn't have a bedroom.

If you see a Flat Cat. For this, you must also call it out: “Flat Cat!”

If there is a live wild animal in the hoard.

The rat man seemed really nice too.

Take adrink if there are animals in the walls.

If there is a skull (once for every skull shown).

If the water or power have been turned off. Two drinks if it has been more than two years.

Oh yeah, these guys. And their kids.

Take a drink if there has already been an ambulance involved.

If the hoarder was raised by a hoarder. Two drinks if there are more than one hoarder in the house.

If somebody gags.

That was totally Vula, wasn't it?

If they need to wear full protective clothing.

If the house looks normal from the outside.

If the hoarder sneaks things off the truck, out of the garbage or outright hides them.

If the hoarder refers to him or herself as a “collector” or “saver.” Two drinks if he or she thinks their collection is valuable.

Seriously. Sir Patrick totally reminds me of Andy. They have the same kind of keep-lying-no-matter-what hysteria about them.

Drink if it's this guy. Then click on this picture and read about how he's a convicted sex offender.

If there is major structural damage from the hoard.

If the city is leveling fines on the hoarder. Two drinks if jail time is involved.

If there are adult diapers.

I don't think I've seen this one! Awesome!

Take an extra drink if there are also bags full of shit. Actual shit.

If there is a slate saying how many animals were removed from the home. Two drinks if it includes a separate body count.

If the hoard touches the ceiling.

Ooohhh, this one was so grumpy.

Take a drink if the hoarder obviously hates having clean places in their house.

FINISH YOUR DRINK:

If an adult child completely loses their shit.

If the “trigger” involves a miscarriage, dead baby, or child. (I can totally make that joke.)

It's the creepy carnival music that does it.

Finish your drink if the hoarder has a terrifying doll collection.

If animal control shows up.

If child protective services are involved

Have an extra drink if the show actually makes you feel dirty.

Finish your drink if the hoarder is obviously happy with their hoard.

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