New content over at Off the Rails:
I still miss Jason. More than you’d think it was possible to miss someone that, technically, you’ve only seen in person three or four times in the last several years. I’m finally coming out of that tunnel of untapped anguish now. Ever since he was killed, I haven’t felt much more than this awful, gnawing, numbing ache. To quote, of all things, Lord of the Rings….”I feel stretched, like butter over too much bread.” And there’s been little to no creativity, at least writing-wise, in that aching nothing.
I’m finally starting to just cry sometimes. Watching the new Half in the Bag (which, ironically, Jason hated) broke through. They were talking about how the best thing about a certain bad movie is watching it with someone who hasn’t seen it yet and watching their reaction to the absurdity. And suddenly the sorrow was loosed, as I remember the last day I saw Jason, days before he left us all. When I sat him (with Diamond) down and made him watch Sharknado. And laughed with joy at his repeated shouts of, “What the SHIT is going ON??!?!? WHAT?!!”
Now that the sadness has broken free, I’m feeling the loss more keenly than ever. But I’m also loosed from that prison of numbness. The words are starting to flow along with the tears.
So the blogging will resume – along with the long, long overdue blog redesign, which I am grateful that Jason got to see. Thank you all for still checking in on me and the various kind condolences I’ve gotten over the weeks. It matters, more than I can say.
The “About Me” section is now online. I am working on the FAQ page update – thank you to the commenter who sent me a copy from the wayback machine!
I’ve been meaning to do this for a while, and tonight’s a good night for it. I’m listening to my 90’s Pop station on Pandora and I’m going to blog about the next 10 songs that come on. Because you care.
One thing that’s been really nice about being diagnosed with ADHD is that I have strategies and medications to deal with some of the roadblocks my brain throws up. It is giving me an opportunity to work on skills I never thought I could improve.
I seriously do not need to be coming down with the Miserable Death Cold that Chip has had all week. I thought I might be coming down with it but it turned out that I was just desperately tired from staying up editing all night. But NOW I am ACTUALLY getting sick. DAMMIT. Although it doesn’t surprise me. Since mid-October I’ve been running ragged with holidays and social events and blogging and traveling and oh fuck this, I’m going to bed.
Like many, I have a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. to share today. It’s something I think of with the same kind of respect I have for some of the Dalai Lama’s teachings. And really, it all comes down to the same message.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
I haven’t forgotten about this blog or wandered off. I am working on a project that I expected would only take two or three days. Expected. I was grossly mistaken, so I’ve worked my ass off for several days. Forgive me for being a touch cryptic; you’ll get to see it as soon as it’s done. In fact, I will be shamelessly asking for your support, so stay tuned, hopefully early next week…
Hey all! I’m just popping in to let you know that you can now reach my blog at www.kumquatwriter.com! Awesome, right? So update your bookmarks now; eventually I will migrate the entire site to my own servers.
One of the biggest lessons I learned through all that I’ve been through is to live with gratitude. Today seems like an apt day to discuss it.