“They’re just doing it for the attention!”
It’s a fast way to shut someone down.
It is very difficult to be a person with an exceptionally high need for attention. I’m thirty-six right now, and I’m only barely beginning to forgive myself for my innate nature. Learning to deal with my need for attention in healthy and constructive ways has been one of the most difficult parts of learning to function in day-to-day life, and it’s only in facing myself that I can face the world.
Lessons on this are some of the worst kinds of painful. People like me can use others right the fuck up. It sounds horrible, and many of the people who I have inadvertently “used up” would deny it. Others would nod and agree. Maybe “used up” isn’t as accurate as “exhausted,” or even “drained.” It takes a lot more effort just to hang out with a person like me, even for people who enjoy it. I know this. I exhaust myself at times.
I’ve been told my whole life by many people that I’m “too much.” Too broad, to crass, too wordy, too pushy, too loud, too dramatic, too involved. My mother used to say she had one daughter but counted her twice. I try too hard and feel too strongly. It used to drive me crazy how people would tell me to calm down when I wasn’t upset at all. There was just too much me. As if I take more air from a room as I enter it. And it would hurt, still hurts at times. But it’s a truth, and as with all truths, knowing it is the only way to move forward. It’s something that doesn’t have a diagnosis or a support group (shit, can you imagine?) or a wristband or an advocacy group.
From the inside, it feels like I am too much. I fidget because I cannot contain my energy completely. I speak fast, sometimes become breathless, because there is so much to get out. Sometimes my skin itself feels tight. It’s so damn painful, when you need attention and are unable to get it. Because for people like me, it is a very real need. Not necessarily to be the center of attention, just to have a connection with another person, saying you exist and I hear you.
It’s a common misconception that negative and positive attention are of equal value to people like me. I think it’s pretty rare that attention-seekers actually see them that way. It’s the more subtle variation that negative attention is better than none at all. And often, I think, the negative attention just makes the problem worse, because it can create an even greater need for positive attention to recover from it.
There’s a whole lot less negative attention in my life as I’ve gotten better at gauging my actions. Am I being too loud? Does anyone actually care what I’m saying? Is this topic appropriate for this audience? Have they already gotten the point, but I am still talking? Learning the more intricate layers of “laughing with” vs. “laughing at.” Learning how to gauge people’s responses and recognize when a smile was too forced.
The hardest times were when I was falling into depression, way back before the crazy train. As my energy and will slowly drained, my need for attention soared. I was spending most of my time alone, so the computer was my lifeline. And Andy grabbed the other end of that lifeline. He lavished attention on me, and I drank it in like water in the desert. It was easy to pull me in when just ignoring me for a few hours was enough to make me push aside my uncertainty. So great was my need that, for a while, the best option seemed to be Andy’s intense, extravagant fixation.
This is why I think it’s understandable that my closest friends were unable to help me out. I am sure that I was already hitting the red zone on how much energy it took to deal with me before I started telling them I was talking to hobbits from another dimension through my internet friend. When you aren’t under Andy’s spell, he sets off some visceral alarm bells. I know my friends didn’t like him from the beginning, so once I was wrapped up in him I’m sure it wasn’t too hard for them to let go.
Oddly enough, telling all my friends (in detail!) about the increasingly bizarre and fantastical things Andy was showing me may have made them less inclined to help. Instead of seeing my slow descent into insanity, they saw over-the-top attention getting displays. It’s easier, and far less stressful, to just cut ties from the attention whore. I don’t blame them. It’s hard to know, and long ago stopped mattering.
The thing is, needing attention – even huge amounts of it – is okay. What I had to do was learn to channel it rather than deny it. To meter myself instead of cutting pieces off. To keep a mental tally of how much energy I have asked friends to extend, and to be careful not to just overwhelm them with me. To find outlets – like this one – where I can express that excess. How to sit with the dearth of attention and get through it if those needs just can’t be met. Maybe most important, I had to stop being afraid to just say what I wanted – if I want someone to pay attention to me, I tell them. Hey, I miss you, can you spare a couple hours? Or even, I just need to talk to another adult for a few. It doesn’t have to be much.
This post got a lot more personal than I originally intended. I’d planned to just talk about why needing attention isn’t a bad thing, and even had a few jokes about how people with ADHD maybe literally have a deficit of attention – from others. But it is what it is, just as I am what I am. I can’t change me, but I can change my choices.
hangtown said:
Thanks for this post; it really resonated with me. When I was at a point in my life when I really really needed attention, and my parents were responding by not giving it to me (“you just want attention!” I got involved with a crazy person who lavished attention on me, and like you “drank it in like water in a desert.”
You’re right, it’s not wrong to want or need it, it’s how you try to get it and how you work with that. I got better… sounds like you did too.
Kyla said:
So, admittedly I found your blog through trying to find information about Bit of Earth–a friend of mine had mentioned TentMoot in relation to another bit of unrelated wank, which I did not know about, and in my ever-curious need for knowledge I went digging–but I’ve found myself stuck here for the better part of a few hours, reading through your entries; not just those related with the old stories.
And what I’ve seen is that you are truly an incredible person. There are some things you’ve been through that I cannot ever understand and hope to never experience, and some things that I can relate with all too well. But through your retellings, you are always forthright about what happened; acknowledging mistakes, looking ahead to a brighter future. I’d rather like to make it a point to keep coming back to this blog; your words and approach to things have me feeling…I’m not sure I know the words, or how to put it? Maybe to say ‘I’m inspired’ is putting too fine a point on it, but that’s the closest I can imagine.
I had been meaning to simply send you an email saying this, but I couldn’t find where to send private correspondence–and, well, much as I get a bit shy and awkward about contacting complete strangers, none of what I’m saying is particularly in need of privacy. I just wanted to let you know that I’m really glad I found your writing.
KumquatWriter said:
Wow, thank you! I’m really touched by your kind words! I should have a link to my fb page, but if you are on a mobile it may not show up. I’ll fix that soon.
Sahnin said:
You and I are a lot alike, Kumquat. In fact, reading this post has given me some insight on myself. It’s food for thought. Thank you for that.
grannieof2 said:
This post is giving me a LOT to think about. I have a couple of people like that in my life — people I might have, prior to reading this, referred to as attention whores. MEMEMEMEME!! Look what I did! Look how clever/brave/insightful/evolved/successful/creative I am! Oh, you have a headache?? Well, I have a brain tumor! Look at MEEEEE!! I said, “in my life” — after years of this, they’re on the outskirts of my life now. I’ve learned not to feel guilty about that; I put in my time trying to be there, and besides the fact that it’s exhausting, depleting, never reciprocated and annoying as hell, it never works. It’s never enough. I feel entitled to choose to be free of them.
And now I’m looking at them in a different way. Not sure that means I’d ever invite them back in; they’re still too much even on a good day. But I am wondering now, why is there never enough? I’ve been reading a certain tumblr page and thinking, that is a bottomless pit. How does that person, or people with that huge need, ever learn not just to live with it themselves, but adapt to relating to others in a healthy way? I still don’t know, but I’m finding the beginnings of compassion along with my annoyance (sorry).
We all come to crossroads, moments when we see clearly the choices before us and the consequences/outcomes of each. We also see that any choice means doing the work that choice brings with it. Not everybody chooses to climb up and get better. So, thanks again for doing that. 🙂
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Ashley Lynn Wilson said:
So I won’t be surprised if you already know of this article because some of what you said really sounded like it was in the vain, but probably one of the best things I have read that really helped me get a grip on my ADHD was this: http://www.smartplanet.com/blog/rethinking-healthcare/now-we-know-why-ritalin-works/380
But what you’ve written up here is definitely getting added to the hoard of links I keep on this topic. I have a few friends who are either just getting a diagnosis or the occasional troll who doesn’t believe in ADHD. I keep a stash of links for situations where I need to explain and I know my own wall of text they will just block out. You have summed up beautifully something that I have been struggling with since I was 6. Well done!
KumquatWriter said:
Wow, thanks! I hadn’t read that article yet. And thanks for the kind words! Always appreciated by a Whore like me 😉
Sorcyress said:
I don’t know if there’s a chance you’ll see this five years later, but I’m an ADHD person who would _love_ your stash of links if you’re willing to share.
KumquatWriter said:
I don’t really have a stash of links anymore – I have a good shrink and I have a decent handle on it. Have you got a doctor you’ve seen?
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Sorcyress said:
Like some of the others in the comments, this post *really* resonated with me. I’ve been dwelling lately, wondering about the fact that I know I talk too much and how to make a better balance –this post is an excellent guidepost for me. Thank you!
KumquatWriter said:
I’m glad it helps! It’s hard to find a way to moderate yourself without censoring yourself.