Originally posted February 24, 2011, updated 5/03/2022
As we stand looking at the actuality of the Supreme Court overturning Roe v Wade, it is time again to tell my story. I will never stop telling my story; my family’s story. My son’s story. If I could write this in fire I would. For my family, and the countless families who have been and will be hurt, damaged or destroyed by taking away this fundamental right to care over our own bodies, lives, choices and children. We will not go quietly into the night.
~~~
Women don’t have late-term abortions because they changed their mind about having a baby. They aren’t doing it because having a disabled child might be “inconvenient.” They do it out of love. WE do it out of love. My abortion was the most loving thing I did for my first son.
It has taken me a very long time to say “I had an abortion.” To this day I choke on the word. I can say “termination,” but most often I just say we lost our son. I don’t say that it was by our choice, because I shrink from the harsh words of others. Even though I do not regret my decision–not even for a moment. Even though I believe to my very soul that it was a loving and merciful choice. Even though I have had nothing but support from the people in my life who do know. But it is time now. And it is starting here.
My father and brother have a genetic condition called Ectrodactyly. It is a weird gene–it’s dominant, but the effects that it causes vary from person to person (though the defect is genetically identical within the same family). In its milder forms, it stunts or even prevents completely the development of certain bones in the hands, arms, feet and legs. People with this disorder have a straight 50/50 chance of passing it on.
I have ten fingers and ten toes, and as far as anyone knew was physically normal. I went through genetic counseling when I was younger, and was assured I couldn’t pass on the defect because “if I had it, I’d HAVE it.” My father has no middle fingers on his hands, and his legs were deformed below the knees and were amputated when he was an adolescent. My brother has one normal hand and one hand with no middle finger and a deformed thumb, and his legs are deformed below the knee. Both of them live pretty normal lives.
When my husband and I decided to start a family, we were worried about all the same things as any other couple. We were overjoyed when we got pregnant on our first try, and although I was pretty sick through most of it we were very excited. We only were planning one child so we were very attentive to every moment of the experience. We eagerly read what was developing day by day and were thrilled by hearing the heartbeat, seeing the early, bean-shaped ultrasound, feeling the flutters and kicks.
When we went for an ultrasound at about 22.5 weeks along, it was only to see if we were having a boy or a girl, and a standard once-over to make sure everything was growing right. We asked the technician to count fingers and toes, “just to be sure.” But the technician couldn’t find the hands. Within an hour we were across the street at the hospital, talking to the genetic counselor and having our son’s condition explained to us.
He was severely affected by what was later confirmed to be Ectrodactyly. It turns out that I do have the gene, but the effect on me was so minor that it only manifested in a very slight malformation of my ankle bones, which makes me somewhat more prone to rolling my ankles. Something so inconsequential no one ever considered it. Our son was not so lucky. His arms were almost completely missing below the elbow. One of his legs was missing several bones and was malformed. His pelvis was deformed. We left that office devastated.
We were counseled in all our options. When our son was born, he would be immediately transferred to Portland, two hours away, where his condition would be assessed. He would be around four months old when he had the first surgeries to correct as much of his deformities as possible. He would have no use of his arms. He would be in a wheelchair for life, and in pain because of the various deformities. He would never be self-sufficient, never lead anything remotely resembling a normal life. He couldn’t even use prosthetic due to the nature of the deformity.
We were told we had to decide what we wanted to do within forty-eight hours, as at his gestational age we had to move quickly. We were in total agreement that this was not the kind of life we wanted for our child. With the full support of our families, including my father and brother, we chose to terminate the pregnancy.
There is no way to express the agony of choosing death for your child. Our son was loved from the moment he was conceived–indeed, loved from the moment we decided to try and conceive him–and we will never fully recover from losing him. It was because of that love that we chose to let him go; not to force him to live a life we wouldn’t force on an animal. We were tremendously lucky that we had the ultrasound the day we did–had we been just a week farther along, we would have had no choice.
We were amazingly lucky that our second son is physically normal. As I watch his perfect, even advanced development I am filled with gratitude that I was able to make the choice I made. Each normal milestone–reaching for a toy, kicking his feet–is something our first son would not have been able to do. Especially now that he’s crawling, trying to walk, I think of how it could have been. When he does something as simple as rub his eyes I am grateful, because I know it might not have been so.
The so-called pro-life movement shows off gory, brutal photos of “aborted fetuses” that are meant to tear out your heart and turn your stomach. Our son wasn’t just “an aborted fetus;” we held him, we sang to him. We took pictures too–of his sweet still face, of his grief-stricken family around him. We chose to have him cremated and had a very small family service for him. He had a name.
You never see those pictures held up by the anti-choice movement. They scream out that “you’re killing babies!!” as if we didn’t know, as if the only reasons someone might choose to terminate a pregnancy are ignorance or evil. Like a slogan I saw recently, “Abortion doesn’t make you un-pregnant, it just makes you the mother of a dead child.”
We chose to free him from a life of pain, to take his suffering onto ourselves. Every tear we have cried is one he won’t have to. This is what late-term abortion really looks like.
Heather said:
Touching and painfully spot on post Abbey! Xo & hugs.
Aleina said:
Just the sight of that building gave me a mini panic attack. I hate it too, even though we got good news there the second time around.
I am remembering Isaac with you always. You are so strong to put this all out there. ❤ you.
Gemini Sarah Cooper said:
I am so glad you were surrounded by family and loved ones, I only wish I could’ve been there to give my support also seeing as you were there for my 1st. I love you, and respect you even more now knowing the details of this difficult decision…..
ellen said:
Thank you.
Mandie said:
You are amazing. I feel honored to know you and call you a friend.
Thank you for sharing this. It must have been so difficult to put this out there in the world, but I’m glad you did. ❤
Chelsea Hawk said:
oh Abbey. There are no words. you are so strong, and so brave. i am blessed and lucky to have you as a friend. thank you for sharing your story. ❤
KumquatWriter said:
((((hugs))) Have a safe birth, dearest. I am thinking of you tonight.
Pingback: Vas Difference | And They Lived…
Imi said:
Gutsy Gutsy post. I’m sorry for your loss and amazed by your courage.
Beth said:
As a mother and a healthcare provider (Midwife), I thank you for this brave post.
Stacey Jw said:
Thanks for sharing, Im so sorry you had to go through it. I’m tired of people acting like late term abortions are done for fun. The limiting of rights is so horrible because it means babies are subjected to even more pain, as many would be born into miserable conditions.
(I go to that same building for my MFM. I have a love/hate relationship with it because they gave me scary news, but also saved my baby.)
drkitty said:
Thank you.
That is such a beautiful, loving tribute to your son.
Heather said:
What is wrong with this picture? You my dear should honestly be in politics. You have managed to turn a abhorrent, vile, and frankly disgusting act, into a cudos for you. Let me give you a pat on the back for murdering your child and managing to get people to actually feel sorry for “you”. When you lay in bed at night, do you really believe you did nothing wrong? Do you know or even understand the statistics of children that are diagnosed with an illness, or malformation in utro. that are born perfectly normal. I have seen firsthand a diagnosis of myelomeningocele (spinal bifida) in a pregnancy 7 months along. My friend left it in Gods hands. She prayed that her son be born healthy, but if that was not meant to be, to allow him to live as wonderful a life as possible and that he would always have her love. When Carter was born, he was beautiful and sweet and perfect. He was born with no abnormalities at all. It was a miracle he had no spinal defect at all. So you see there is only one person who has the right to give and take life, and that is God. Not you. I think what makes me even sicker is the fact that you actually think what you did was loving. Did you cry when you took that last breath from your sons little body. Who are you to choose whether he lives or dies? Be honest with yourself for one moment! You didn’t want to be inconvenienced or embarrassed so you chose to take his life to save yourself from further humiliation. I am willing to bet that when you really look at yourself in the mirror you know deep down that you killed your little innocent baby because he was not perfect. You may be able to fool your family and friends and maybe even yourself for now. But one day it will finally hit you, the magnitude of what you have done. When you see the face of your child when or even if, you go to heaven. When your son asks why you took his life from him, what will you say when he says my imperfections didn’t matter to me or God. I wanted to live, to be held and loved. Why wasn’t I good enough for you? What will you say? Really what will you say?
grannieof2 said:
Lending new and particularly ugly meaning to the phrase, “hate speech”. What possible purpose could you have in posting such deliberately hurtful statements? I’m so glad your friend’s baby was born healthy, and so sorry you did not learn compassion and humility in the process. I suggest you let your God speak for himself; I’m betting you’re not anybody’s idea of a good spokesperson. Surely there are plenty of anti-abortion web sites that could use your special gifts?
Sheesh.
Timid Atheist (@TimidAtheist) said:
Considering there is no proof of god (especially a loving one), I’d say it’s probably best that KumquatWriter was the one to make this decision about her child, at least she cares.
Tracey said:
To the person that does not beleive in
God. You will beleive one Day.
You will stand before the lord and confess he is JESUS CHRIST!
Amen
Have a Blessed Day!
I want to thank the lord for saving me
And I love him so much !!!!!
R
John said:
Life is a gift from God. And like any gift, it is yours to do with as you see fit. It is yours to keep. It is yours to return. It is yours to re-gift to another. It is up to you to determine if the gift is an appropriate one… if it’s too big, too small, broken in transit. If your god is a just god he or she will understand that you did what you thought was right and love you for it. If your god judges you too harshly, then he or she is an unjust god who is not worthy of your worship.
Lisa said:
Who are you to decide when babies live? I assume based on your post you oppose all forms of Assisted Reproductive Technology, as well as any efforts to prolong a pregnancy by artificial means? You must be disgusted by Michelle Duggar. She has so little respect for God’s Plan, she went to the hospital so the doctors could treat her preterm labor, instead of just praying like a good Christian.
In case you can’t tell, I’m trolling right back at you. Be honest with yourself for one moment! If you REALLY believed that “there is only one person who has the right to give and take life, and that is God” you would oppose all ART and birth control, of any kind, as well as any effort to prolong a fetus’ life. That means using NO artificial means to stop preterm labor, and no artificial means to prolong life after delivery. “Only God can decide,” when taken to it’s logical extremes, is survival of the fittest in the worst possible manner.
JesseM said:
you are an UGLY person!!
Free Bird said:
Thank you !! So many feel it is ok to kill their children !! You give me hope for the human race !!!Never change !!! May God bless you !!
cassie blake said:
(John – You are deluded. A symptom of today’s moral decay. Talking about life as a gift as if it were a parcel that can just be “returned” if you’re disappointed with it.( Return to where???)
Actually you have to “kill” it first before it can “return” !!!!!!
Lady, you’ve created this website as a monument to yourself.. ..it’s ALL about YOU.
Your reasons for having your baby’s life terminated seem appallingly trivial. A couple of limb deformaties, and pelvis….And how many surgeries might he have to have had? He would have recovered.)
What about the baby’s mind? Could have been a beautiful gifted spirit with a lot to offer people.
So what if he had to be in a wheelchair?
Emma said:
This is a despicable response. And easy for you to say, because YOU don’t have to do anything. YOU don’t have to raise her child—a child who would have been constantly in pain, constantly suffering, constantly hurting. Moreover, it makes no difference to YOU if there are suffering children in the world, because you, from your high moral pedestal, feel that you have the moral authority to judge others based on circumstances you know nothing about. Who the hell are you to judge?
As for “moral decay”, whatever. If you mean that marginalized people are getting rights and that’s baaaaadd, then this doesn’t surprise me. God doesn’t exist and he never did. He is an invention of the human mind to comprehend the incomprehensible, and thus make everything stupider and simpler than it really is.
Life is a gift? I didn’t choose to live. Neither did you. Nor did any of us. Is life precious? Depends on what you think “life” is, and what your life is like. Some people have horrible lives, and therefore, should they choose not to live or to end a life before it has begun, I do not begrudge them this decision. You may not like it, but guess what? You don’t have to do it yourself. That’s fine by me. Do whatever you please, but stop telling the rest of us what to do, as if you know better. You don’t. You’re just another judgmental human being thinking you know best, sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong, making arguments that you don’t even begin to understand. Grow a heart.
KumquatWriter said:
Well of course its all about me. It’s a blog. That’s what they’re for.
L J D said:
Nicely said, Kumquat.
Sarah said:
I don’t want to start any arguments, I just want to say what I believe and what I don’t want to push on anyone. I have sinned against my God all my life. I was no where near perfect. I was the definition of imperfection. Like this child, I guess God had the choice to simply terminate my life because of my imperfection and rightly judge me. But He didn’t do that. Instead, He had mercy on me and works with me daily to conquer my battles and struggles.. battles and struggles that this child would have faced if he lived – but he would not have had to face them alone. This is my only statement: Imperfection will not go away, but that is no reason to give up. Had I given up and just accepted that I will never be any better, I would have killed myself a while ago. But God loves the imperfect sinner.
KumquatWriter said:
Then your god can love imperfect me just fine. Ain’t up to you to say, even if I am wrong and there is a “god.” And I hope your god forgives you for being judgmental, although your bible does indeed say “judge not lest ye be judged.” Its in between the various slaughters carried out under “god’s” orders.
Free Bird said:
Kumquatwriter YOU are such an EVIL EVIL woman !!!!!!!!!
Staceyjw said:
Cassie:
YOU don’t know her. I do, and it was not about herself. It was to spare her LOVED AND WANTED SON a life of pain.
YOU have no idea what the severity was.
YOU aren’t confined to a wheelchair, in everlasting pain.
YOU need to get a clue
Lisa said:
Kumquat, this post is beautiful. FWIW, I believe with all my heart you made the right decision. I believe you did it from love and caring, and that you should be commended for it. I have an acquantance who had to make a similar choice. With them it was spina bifida, from neck to base of spine. Would N have lived if he was carried to term? Probably. Would his life, and his parent’s and extended family’s lives, have been a constant misery and desperate struggle just to survive with sanity, marriage and finances intact? Almost certainly. So they made the choice they did.
Now they have a new, healthy, fully formed child who can (like your younger son) grow up to have a happy, healthy, productive life. S can walk, and run, and draw on himself with markers, all of which N would have been incapable of. His parents are happy and stable, delighting in their beloved child more than they ever would have before making the agonizing choice to let go of N. They are able to contribute to their community, instead of needing to beg for handouts from those around them. They, and their living son, are able to live life to their fullest potential, instead of being held prisoner by a horrific disability they did nothing to deserve.
Would it be better if S had never existed? If N was alive and suffering now, doomed to a life of diapers, wheelchairs, hospitals and institutionalized care? If his parents were crying themselves to sleep each night, wondering how they’ll stay fed and housed, how they’ll care for N as they age, what will happen to him if they die, how they can keep their jobs, their marriage, their sanity… Well, apparently some stupid, pigheaded and myopic people do think that. As for me, my pro-choice stance is reaffirmed every time I walk into that joyful house and see the reality of what the mercy of abortion created.
I am one of those people anti-choicers hate, because I’m not afraid to say that I wish my mother had aborted me. My childhood was horrible and even after 25+ years, I am still barely beginning to recover from it emotionally. I am envious of the “siblings” I will never have (because my mother aborted them), since I consider them to be the lucky ones. They will never have to spend years mired in depression, or go to school without breakfast or lunch, or be beaten, or screamed at, or sexually exploited. They will never be twelve years old, sitting on their bedroom floor crying and wishing they were never born, because they never were. I have made my peace with my mother and my past, and I’m happy enough with the life I have now. But, as the author of “I Wish My Mother Had Aborted Me” said, “no one should have to make such a Herculean struggle for simple normalcy.”
You are a great woman, Abbey, and the people who say otherwise are so filled with hate and judgement it’s the only thing they can see. Peace be with you and yours, including Isaac.
Christan said:
I am so sorry for your loss. My mother also had to choose abortion for medical reasons before becoming pregnant with me. Her first pregnancy was a set of twin boys and at her 5 mth ultrasound it was discovered that they both had neural tube defects and their skulls would not close up even after birth. Her second pregnancy ended up with the same results a baby boy with his brain growing outside the skull. My parents at the time were told that if they were to keep the pregnancies the babies would have a high chance of being severely disabled and would likely die if they ever rolled onto the missing part of their skull. I am totally a pro life person, but in cases such as this and your case I believe that you are doing what is right because you love them. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
Lisa said:
Hi Abbey
I wanted to let you know I posted a link to this article on Mommyish, in a the comment section of their article “Texas State Senator And Epic Hero Wendy Davis Killed That Anti-Abortion Bill”
Read more: http://www.mommyish.com/2013/06/26/wendy-davis-texas-abortion-bill-filibuster/#ixzz2XegHoWpR
I also want to say I still think you’re an amazing person and this piece is one of the best things ever written on the reality of late-term abortion. Along with the Lynn Beisner article I cited above, it’s the number-one piece I tell people to read when I’m trying to educate them about why we need choice. I hope you’ll never stop writing. Your courage is needed in this fight.
KumquatWriter said:
Thank you! I’m always willing to share my stories to help others – especially this one. In person too; I’ve been contacted previously to appear both in person and via skype on this issue.
Pingback: Beyond The Barnyard: Terry England and Fetal Pain | Isaac's Journey
Beth S said:
KQ we know one another from Skeptical OB and I am the one who told you I found your entire story so compelling that it was a secondary reason for me to name my child Abigail and call her Abby. I hope you don’t think I’m a stalker, as I was following you here long before I followed Dr Amy due to the Crazy Train. However I wanted to tell you how much your words touched me. In between ODD and this LO I got pregnant, I was so excited looking forward to be a mother, and shaking off my own past. Then just like you the other shoe dropped for me. I’m epileptic, the medications I have to take to keep me from seizing caused a rare genetic disorder called Anencephaly. My child was developing without a major part of his brain. I made a different choice from you because in my misguided hope of the US being wrong I was planning to carry to term however my body had other plans.
Christopher Jude was stillborn at 28 weeks. I blamed myself, because I couldn’t control my own brain, because I couldn’t not take my meds my beautiful baby boy never had a chance. It’s taken me years of therapy to even cope, and when I found out I was pregnant with Abby I didn’t tell anyone until long after the US confirmed she wasn’t going to suffer as her brother did. My only regret is I didn’t have the courage to end Christopher’s suffering earlier and let mother nature do it for me. Thank you for putting your own story into words. Because to me it feels like you too know what it is to have that black butterfly stuck to your door.
Free Bird said:
Dear Father in heaven !!! Please !! Help these people to understand Your truth ! Open their eyes to the true spirit of abortion !! In Jesus Name !! Amen !!! Forgive them as they do not understand !! Thank you Jesus !!
Nate Glenn said:
You are evil personified.
Nate Glenn said:
And let’s just get this straight, you don’t give a flying crap about her baby, you never knew anything about it, she loved it, and wanted to minimize it’s suffering and she had to do something incredibly difficult for her, and be strong so that her baby would not suffer any more than necessary. For you to show up and scream JESUS AMEN at her and harrass her about her suffering is beyond revolting and despicable. You should be ashamed of yourself and be keep your hate and arrogance to yourself. Shut up, go away, leave this poor woman alone and stop harrassing her because of her loss.
Logic said:
Killing a baby inside a womb is no different to killing it outside. In late term abortions the baby is injected with a syringe to cause a heart attack. Heart attacks are frightening and very painful. The little baby FEELS THIS PAIN.
I have empathy for your pain in hearing the diagnosis. But I also have empathy for your precious baby.
What about his pain?
He died out of sight of human eyes, suffering his pain and trauma with no loving arms around him, no comforting touch, so he was neatly and conveniently dead before you had to look at him.
You didn’t have to witness his distress or comfort him in his pain because it all happened out of your sight. His suffered and died alone, never having known the loving touch of his mother or father.
To me, that is NOT LOVE.
KumquatWriter said:
My son was visible – on the ultrasound screen. His grandmother watched, along with the doctors and the nurse, who cried too.
When I said I wished he could die in my arms instead, that same kind nurse pointed out that I was already holding him closer than I ever could with my arms. He was cradled inside my body, held loved and warm. And when he was born the next day, he was held and touched and cradled and adored and grieved.
He was loved from the moment we decided to try and conceive. He is loved still. You do not know love like that. You talk about suffering – you conveniently ignore the suffering we chose to spare him from.
Logic said:
I appreciate you wanted to save him from suffering. I do think there is love in that. However it is only one perspective. You don’t know for sure what he would have suffered, what could have been done to help him, through either medicine or prayer. I have suffered pain in my life but am glad to have had a life. You don’t know if he would rather have had a chance at life.
You are showing yourself to be a person of limited perspective to decide and judge whether I ‘know love like that’. You decide things about/for other people with great certainty without really knowing. You did that for your son. You decided he should be killed. He didn’t.
‘kind nurse’ = ‘enabler and accessory to murder’
I don’t believe you are a ‘bad person’ any more than I am. I think forgiveness belongs to you unconditionally as it does to everyone. I believe your first son lives in heaven and has nothing but forgiveness and love for you in his heart, and he would be full of joy to see you.
But I will never agree that murder of a child is LOVE. It is no different than if you got the son you have now and killed him with an injection that caused a massive, painful heart attack. That is what you are defending, and it is indefensible.
KumquatWriter said:
This from the person telling me that I don’t love my son.
Kelly said:
What a powerful story. Just because you made a choice that was different than what another pregnant woman might make in no way means it was the wrong choice. You made the best decisions you possibly could, for your child and your family, and that anyone else thinks they have the right to come here and tell you what you should or shouldn’t have done (and frame it as “love”) is repulsive.
I, too, had an abortion, under very different circumstances, but still for the same reason: what is the best decision I can make for this potential child? That was 20 years ago, and while it changed the trajectory of my life in surprising ways, I have never regretted it. Don’t regret yours.
Pingback: Life, The Universe and Writer’s Block | Out of Context
Pingback: Abortion. - TashaSays
Angel said:
Wow what an amazing story. Thanks for sharing. I came across this page as I’m pregnant, completely normal, but my Dad has 2 fingers on his left hand and I’m worried I might pass this on. Having my 12 week scan in 2 weeks. Reading your post has given me strength. Thank you. X
Jill thompson said:
This made me physically ill. Enjoy your eugenics. Your sons life mattered. I’m sorry you didn’t have it in you to lover a “deformed” child.
KumquatWriter said:
You have it in you to “lover” a child? Pedophile. You make me physically ill.
stonecoldbox said:
Your response literally made me LOL. Fuck these pro-life idiots. I have a cousin with the same, exact condition. Almost the exact same deformities. He lived until he was 4, in extreme pain. He ASKED his mother to let him die, at FOUR. You did the right thing. God bless you.
trekkiemaiden said:
What a shameful thread!! This shows to me everything that’s wrong in the United States. This poor lady had gone through hell and all some people can do is go on about God and so much hate. The mere fact that babies are conceived with terrible genetic conditions and illnesses is proof there is no God, no god would would be so cruel to inflict illness, disease and being crippled onto innocent children. Grow a heart for real instead of hiding behind your judgemental invisible friend.